Teen Twin Temper Tantrums

Well, this is a tough time in the life of parents of twin girls!

My twin daughters were about to turn 12 years old in two days... and here's what happened!

I went to pick them up after their separate after-school activities (20 miles from home).  First I picked up one girl "J" at the library, then went down the street to pick up the other "M" at her drama practice.  She refused to get in the car.  She wanted to sit in the front seat.  Period.   (She used to get carsick in the back seat driving on the curvy mountain roads as a youngster, so we let her sit the front seat often when she got big enough to sit there safely.  But lately she's sat in the back seat with her carpool to school every day for a year and a half, and no nausea or vomiting has happened yet!)  

I requested she get in and have the front seat next time, that she almost always gets the front seat in our car, and that "J" deserves a chance to ride in front sometimes too.  She stomped around and climbed a tree and yelled at me, "You don't care about me,  I get carsick and you want me to get sick!  You ALWAYS let "J" do what she wants...blah, blah..."   Well of course this didn't make me too happy, nor did it make her happy enough to get in the car.  So I told her to get in or she'll have to call dad for a ride home because it was 6 pm and we needed to go home and make dinner.  She stayed up in the tree with her cell phone, and refused to come down.  

So, I said, "Get in the back seat now or I am leaving."   She refused.  So I drove down the street and around the corner, just out of her sight, but I could still see her through a break in the trees.  I watched her for about 5 minutes, hoping she'd get worried, and went back to get her.  She still refused.  After a few minutes of her yelling and refusal to get in, I told her that she's going to get in or this time she will have to find her own ride home (meanwhile I called my husband on the phone and talked about it so he knew what was going on, in the case she called him too.)  She still refused.

So I drove away, this time a little faster and out of her sight again, watching her as she angrily stomped down the street, while talking on the phone with my husband.  I followed her so as not to lose track of her, but not close enough behind that she noticed me.  Eventually I pulled up to her on the side of the road and demanded she get in and quit fooling around.  

She finally got in the backseat, kicking on the front passenger seat, putting her feet in "J"'s hair, yelling at me telling me how she was going to make the ride so miserable I’d wish I'd let her sit up front, etc.  Then she began pulling my hair, WHILE I WAS DRIVING!  So I immediately pulled across the highway and into the parking lot at the beach.  

The sun was about to set, and I told both girls that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior and I would certainly not DRIVE anywhere with that going on in the car.  They both told me they had homework and needed to study for a test the next day and we needed to get home.  I said, "Fine, as soon as everyone is calm and behaving reasonably, we'll go."

They both got angry and unreasonable, so I got out of the car, walked toward the ocean and watched the sunset.  Meanwhile, they honked the horn incessantly, text-messaged me with 100 + mean spirited one-word messages on my cell phone, etc.  and people at the parking lot were all looking around in wonder.  I apologized to a woman as she approached, and told her not to worry, it's just my twins having a temper tantrum.

As I ignored the horn honking and walked further from the car (only ~100 feet), the girls gave up on the horn as it wasn't getting my attention.  Meanwhile the nice woman I met said, "This too shall pass.  Breathe, watch the sunset, it will pass."  So I did.  I stayed calm, my phone kept beeping with the messages, which I ignored, and I stayed watching the sunset and enjoying the company of this wise woman who had taken care of her two granddaughters for 2 years  (12 & 13 yrs olds) so she said "girls are sassy, and this age is very difficult" and other things that let me know she was human and wise at the same time (not just talk or “pure” saint).

Eventually, "M" got out of the car and charged at me.  The wise woman stood there and said to me, "don't worry, you watch the sunset, do some yoga, breathe...I'll hold her off, what's her name?"  So I told her, and she gently spoke to my daughter, while her arms and legs were spread wide to show my daughter that she was physically not going to let her push through and charge at me.  She calmly introduced herself, asked my daughter a few questions and made gentle conversation with "M" until she calmed down.  She gently and calmly counted down as the sun sunk down into the ocean, slowly, sweetly, and the sun glowed on the top of the ocean for quite a while...

Once the was down beneath the water, so was all of the anger and excitement.  "M" said, "Mom, can we go now?" in a peaceful voice.

We got in to the car and drove calmly home, the girls talking nicely to each other, "M" in the backseat where she was supposed to be, as if nothing had come before.

I felt so blessed to have been able to calmly choose to not get excited or yell when my daughter didn't get in the car, but instead made a much better choice (even though it took an hour to get on the road, it may pay off in the long run!)

So whenever my twins try to engage me into their drama, I will think of the sunset, the beach, breathe deep, imagine my wise-woman friend with the calm steady voice...and choose the right thing.

Karen Shaff

Beads of Light

http://www.karenshaff.com