Help please. I don't know what to do anymore. I have twin 7 year old daughters who just keep fighting constantly. It's always a competition for them. As soon as we get home from school it's a race to the door and screaming. I can't get them to sit down for homework. Homework that should only take 30 mins takes 3 hours. They keep telling each other what to do, and when they don't listen to each other they scream, push, fight. THEY ARE 7 YEARS OLD not in the terrible 2s! They run off and think it's okay. I did not think at the age of seven I would still be having to run after them. They do not go to bed on time at all, they fight or play instead of going to bed. Not only do I have issues with discipling them, I can't even get them to listen to me. I have already tried alone time with each of them. I have tried trips, park, name it I have pretty much tried it. I have tried time-outs, and taking away everything I can think of, and have grounded them, put up rules and consequences list (which my mother took down) and still they don't listen and defy me. I know they aren't dumb girls, for everytime they get into trouble they go to my mother, because she is their savior. On top of that i live with my mother and she is also driving me up a wall. My mother keeps telling me what to do, yells at me if I try to discipline them, calls me a bad mother in front of them, and buts in where it is not her buisness. I keep trying to tell my mother that the more she does it, the worse my girls are going to get. She has also taken them out of time out and has told them I was wrong for putting them in time out to begin with. It's one thing after another all the time.Someone please help, I have seen other twins who act normal. Seven year olds who listen (not all the time, I get that) and don't have these issues, what is going on?
it's your mother...
that is for my reasoning the driving force behind this situations. Girls know that they can get away with it, because they have the "support" of your mother. I believe you should definitely "discipline" your mother first. Because from what you wrote, you did a lot of things that should normally work (time-outs, rules...).
Another point I want to emphasis is, that perhaps they are reacting to your nervousness. I can feel from your letter, that you are overwhelmed with the situation. You are expecting shouting and yelling from them. Perhaps if you expect, I mean REALLY expect them to behave, they eventually will. Put in your mind the intentions of good behaviour, cooperation... try to change your negative thoughts into positive outcomes.. I believe that in time things will definitely turn around.
Will love to hear from you, how it goes...
Love, Alenka
Thank you I will try
Thank you I will try everything that I can. I am at a lose to know what to do next. My friends have even tried to talk to her and her friends as well, I have too. I have even suggested that we go to conuseling and she has clearly said back to me, it's my problem not hers. She insists she is doing nothing wrong. I can't say I am doing everything right because these are my first children I have to learn as well as they continue to grow. I know parenting is a learning process. Obviously there are other issues as well, but I can't dwelve into all of them at once. I never once expected it to be easy, but at what point does it stop being this hard?
Sandra
Parenting for you....and your mom
There is no question that you and your mom need some parenting sessions to get on the same page. If she is not respectful of your attempts at parenting, the children will also not respect you. You need to set up boundaries and rules that respect both of your roles within your family.
Multigenerational parenting can be difficult but not impossible. Seeking professional advice can work those issues out in a neutral setting.
Good Luck!!
Couldn't have said it better.
I'm a child and family therapist and just want to second all that Dr. Schneider has said.. you and your mom need to get on the same page. While this can be challenging, it is not impossible, providing you are both committed to the goal. You said in one of your responses that your mom states this is your problem and not hers... which leads me to believe that perhaps you have suggested counseling but she has refused. If you have the ability to work with an in-home family therapist that might be another modality for engaging her... where she can "listen in" on sessions and will, from the sounds of it, have a very hard time NOT becoming an active participant. Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I will keep trying. Yes I have tried alrayd to do that, but no means am I completely in the dark about what is going on. Thank you very much!
Sandra
difficult changes
What a difficult situation for you. As was previously stated, I believe nothing can really change until your mom's behavior changes. If she is unwilling to look at how her behavior is sabotaging all of your parenting strategies and the success of you and your children, you may need to separate her from the household.
I'm not sure if living with your mom is for financial reasons. If so, I would search for other options for support in your area. If not, I recommend changing your living situation immediately. The emotional destruction going on for you and your girls in this situation is significant and destructive. If your mother won't attend counseling with you, you can always go with your girls to begin repair your relationships with each other.
New behavior management strategies will not make a difference until your mother's influence in the situation is changed or removed. I would be glad to help with more ideas at that point.
My heart is with you.
Body Touch
Have 11 yr old twins. Though there is no one correct method to deal with a situation or bring up the twins or children, because each one's circumstances and personalities are different. I would still say, JUST GIVE THEM LOADS OF BODY TOUCH.
Hug them often. Hold them when they seem frazzled or are sleeping. This will calm them. You will be able to notice this within 2-3 weeks itself. My 11 yr olds have been held, hugged, petted so many times a day from the very beginning. It bonds us beautifully. They are high IQ and very well balanced twins.
It will also put your mum in the outer circle. They kids will eventusally root for you in all situations. Physical closeness is a big reassurance for all children.
Just hug them and hold them to your chest often in the day. You dont have to say anything at times. Hold for 10 seconds then let go.
All the best:)