HELP!!!
My 5 yr old boys break, trash, dismantle, & distroy everything. Toys they have saved up to buy, get played w/for a few minutes then taken apart and broken. Just to see if they can break. Carpet gets painted or cut just to know if it is possible. Everything gets flushed to know if it will actually go down or flood. If sissors are ever found they cut up everything from curtians to bedding to clothes and each others hair. We have to keep things like paint, power tools sharp knives ect... locked up tight. Nothing is sacred or respected.
We have tried everything... taking away their things, grounding from favorite activies, time out, even spanking. Nothing bothers them. In fact they prefer a spank b/c it is over faster. Needless to say I can't do that. We have talked about this constantly. Probably too much.
Do they make padded cells for homes??? :)
Any advice is welcome.
I know this is going to
I know this is going to sound horrible, but...
I'd just buy everything secondhand, from people on Craigslist, and twin consignment sales, etc.
So cheap that when it's broken it can go into the trash can and que sera sera...don't think about it for another minute. Toys are the tools of childhood. I know my 5 year old son likes to take toys and smash them and throw them up in the air for pretend "explosions." The way my boys play is entirely different from the way my twin girls played, and the way I am familiar with, because I am an antique girl, so I never got into explosions. But as long as they are dismantling, figuring out how things work, and they really are learning by destroying, and not hurting anyone, I wouldn't worry about it. If they are 7 and they are still behaving the same way, then I would worry.
Re:help for distruction
From the way you are describing the problem it sounds like they are interested in cause and effect. Maybe focus on age appropriate games/toys where cause and effect are the point.
This situation reminds me of when I used to be a counselor in a residential program--some of the boys had problems with setting fires. In most cases (as long as the kids were not setting the fires for anti-social reasons), instead of focusing on the "bad behavior" we would discuss when it is appropriate to start fires and teach them about the science of fire and talk about careers as firemen. Most of the time the kids had an interest in fire and were inappropriate about how to express their interest so the goal was to channel that interest in a more appropriate way.
Hope this helps!
Cheryl
http://www.swapsavers.com/
Rx for boys....
My thoughts...1) It's great that you have inquisitive children. This can be hard to celebrate, but who knows ? They may grow up to solve some great scientific problems! I'd say they need an avenue for this. Maybe things that CAN BREAK apart and be rebuilt? Maybe some legos, lincoln logs, tinker toys etc? Explain that these toys are great for creating and building new things. When they get a new toy that is not meant to be dismantled---talk about how it is to be used before you give it to them. I had to explain to my 5 year old boys that Buzz Lightyear does not belong in the bathtub----because it will ruin the talking tape inside him and he won't be able talk anymore. Remote control cars do not belong in the sandbox because the sand will clog the wheels so they can't spin. Explain, explain, explain...
2) Until they prove themselves trustworthy, I'd set strick limits about where and how they can work. For example, you may use sissors only at the table where mom can watch you while I"m getting dinner. And you may only use craft materials after you ask mom. Collect the materials when they are done.
3) And finally, since they are 5----they are old enough to understand that there are consequences for their actions. You have to set some hard limits about things that are not theirs Rugs and curtains, pets, brother's hair etc. are not theirs. Talk a lot about how they would feel if someone broke something that was important to them. Teach them about empathy.
Boys tend to act first and think later.....praise them when they seem to be doing more of the reverse! Good luck. : )
Destructive boys
Your note brings back not so fond memories. My twins boys are now 7 1/2 years old and were (sometimes still are) quite destructive. The other comments provide sound advice, especially separating them to get them to wind down from their destrucive frenzy. I would also add that when they flood the toilet or paint the walls, making them clean up might make them think twice about it the next time (experiencing the consequences of their actions).
Get serious!
At 5 years old they are old enough to understand what they are doing and get a little more serious with them. The first thing I'd do is have them do chores and things to earn money to pay for some toys they want, this will help them learn to take care of things since they will understand nothing exists in that house that didn't come from hard work. It will at least get them started on learning that, teaching kids work ethic and respect for property is important.
The next thing is have you ever seen a Dr Phil show where he says to get rid of everything in the kids' room? I think that would work in this situation. He says to get rid of everything and I mean everything in the kid's bedroom - take it all out into the garage or another room and leave just their bed. Put all their toys in a box and bring out just 1 toy. They have to show you they can play with that toy and be respectful of its value for a day and then they can earn another toy, and you do this one toy at a time one day at a time. If they destroy anything you take it all away and start over! This would also go for anything else like their dresser or lamp or clothes etc. Gradually adding them back into the room one at a time and by the time you are done so many days have gone by that it has become more of a habit to respect things and follow the rules.
I know it sounds harsh and I am one of the most gentle and forgiving mothers out there but when kids are being dangerous or destructive to anyone or anything you have to stop it right away. They cannot grow up being allowed to live like this, for your sake or for society's sake. Later when you are sure they are through this phase there will be plenty of time to dole out the positives, and of course you can praise them for their successes as you go.
PS: Lock up anything in the rest of the house that could be used to destroy things - pens, pencils, paint, scissors, knives, forks, all of that has to be out of reach until you are sure they can be trusted not to destroy things. Getting rid of it all gives them the best chance for success!
GOOD LUCK!
Karen Clark
Boys Who Destroy
As I write this, my twin boys, who are almost 5, are tackling each other on the couch and causing chaos! So, needless to say, I feel your pain! It's definitely a "boy thing" and especially a "twin boy thing"! It might help you to know that this type of behavior is a sign of intelligence. They can't resist seeing how things work, so they take things apart, flush things, throw things, etc., just to satisfy their curiosity and see what will happen. Of course, although we don't want to discourage their creativity, it comes to a point when enough's enough! The only thing I've found that works so far is separation (they're not as destructive when they're not together) and distraction (get them involved in something quieter, like coloring or building things with their Lincoln Logs). I'd be interested in hearing other parents' suggestions, too!
Susan M. Heim is the author of It's Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence and Twice the Love: Stories of Inspiration for Families with Twins, Multiples and Singletons.
Boys Who Destroy
I have b/g twins who will be six in two months.
Up until the age of three-and-a-half, they destroyed things, especially my son. He had sensory issues, and for a while, that was an underlying cause. Nonetheless, tens of thousands of dollars of damage has been done to my home (that includes my kitchen, which needs to be remodeled due to the magnetic locks we had installed to prevent my twins from opening up cabinets and emptying the contents.on a daily basis. They are difficult to de-magnetize.)
And yes, the twin dynamic is a culprit, too.
After climbing out of his crib, all he and his sister had in thier room were toddler beds.
When he started chewing on that (sensory issue), we sold them and left him with a mattress on the floor until he was almost four.
Last year, I was in tears about this behavior. He was fine in school...a sweet, sensible boy who was loved for his goofiness, his sense of humor, and his kind behavior toward others. Never did he destroy anything. When he went to other's homes, he was fine.
A friend suggested that someting in his diet was to blame.
I went to www.feingold.org and read about the Feingold diet. I also read Dr. Feingold's "Why Your Child is Hyperactive" and Jane Heresey's "Why Can't My Child Behave?"
I am a teacher, and I have had many students with ADD and ADHD. I knew deep in my heart that my son is not ADD or ADHD, but something was not right.
I signed up to be a Feingold memeber and put my son, as well as my entire family, on the diet. Basically, you remove foods with salicylates in them, as well as anything artificial.
To make sure it was not my imagination, I did not tell my husband or my twelve-year-old daughter what I was doing.
After two weeks, I asked them both separately if they noticed a change in DS's behavior. Both said they did. He was sweeter at home, not as destructive, and there was a big decline in his tantrums and outbursts. Then I clued them in on what I did.
You might want to look into doing this.
I also agree with the poster who commented on tough love. You can't destroy with a scissor if you cannot get one! Remember who is the boss!
Another factor may be boredom. Some days I feel like an activities coordinator, but it keeps us busy. We ride bikes, swim, play board games, do crafts, read, go to parks...are your boys home too much? Maybe they need more structured activities and to get out of the house so they can't destroy it. DO they act this way elsewhere?
Do your boys get enough sleep? Do they get good sleep? This could also be a factor.
Your boys are old enough to know better. It's time to end this destrcutive pattern. It's one thing to roughhouse with each other, it is antoehr to be rough on the house!
I wish you good luck!
dealing with distruction
I have read a little on Diet and dealing with the "hyper" behavior. Removing Casein (a protein in some dairy) and Gluten (protein in some grains) I read decrease symptoms that mimic ADHD but due to lack of evidence my doctors have cautioned us against this. I suppose it is up to me to take the leap and find out if it works.
My 6 yr old twins contribute quite a lot to the insane behavior w/dares and analysis of the what if. I don't think there is a lock (besides combination padlocks) that they haven't figured out how to open. They love keys so they try them all. Nothing is too high because there is always a ladder or enough things to stack high enough to climb. Scary! They watch me very closely, how to drive, cook, clean! They get the general idea of how something is done and they try it but obviously w/out proper knowledge it is all dangerous.
I do literally follow them from room to room just to make sure I know what is going on although there are always situations that pop up when I can't pay complete attention and they are off. Example: One morning while doing breakfast (boys 16months girls 28months) the girls flooded the downstairs toilet, while mopping up the mess the boys climbed the cabinet knocked over the flour cannister and threw it all over the kitchen and floor so I put all of them into the nursery w/few toys and books shut the door and cleaned up as I finished the kitchen I noticed something pass the window. I flew upstairs to check and they had completely removed everything from the room. Bedding, all the clothing out of the dresser & closet, toys everything out the window. They were even trying to shove the toddler mattresses out too. It has never stopped. We did take away all there stuff and then w/good behavior started reintroducing it but it only lasts so long. We are members of everything in town, museums, zoo we go to parks and pools I spend most of my time taking them somewhere or doing some kind of involved activity. But I'm not a robot at some point I have to wash the dirty clothes and cook. Believe me they are required to clean everything they mess up. They have regular chores and a reward system but after a while that gets old w/them and they decide my little awards aren't worth making beds and doing their own laundry. It is all phases w/them so I have to try different tatics every few months.
We talk endlessly about what is kind, just, right/wrong, about value and money. They get it yet they can;t seem to keep from encouraging each other to break the rules. I have heard conversations of "this is not a good idea, were are in big trouble if we do this" and "I won't tell on you for that if you don't tell on me if I do this"
They could star in their own myth-buster show each day. I know boredom plays a role. I just don't know how to handle the down time.
Boys who destroy
Yes, there are doctors who do not believe that changing the diet works. And it does not work for everyone. But you don't know unless you try. And it really is not hard, and it does not harm your children's health. In fact, they (as well as you) would be eating much better, as you are removing foods that are filled with artificial ingredients.
My twins decided to empty my daughter's closet today when I was downstairs folding laundry. So I still have some destruction, but not as bad as yours. I know that if I try to be alone something will happen.
Perhaps camp next summer, swim club, playdates...anything to keep them out of your hair for a while so you can have some down time.
What it boils down to is taking everything that can be harmful away. I still keep scissors and other sharp items out of reach, as well as cleaning products.
And you can't leave them alone. I know that stinks-there is always a mess if I let my twins alone. I just hope to make it to their first day of first grade!