By Lenee' Petri
I've been contemplating Valentines past and, for that matter, romance in general. Speaking as a mother of 2½-year-old twins, I vaguely remember what "romance" means. So, to remind myself, I started looking through my favorite women's magazines. Of course, I haven't really read a magazine in 2½ years, and I soon realized that what I used to read "before children" has absolutely no bearing on my "post-children" life. Here are some examples:
1. Burn scented candles in the house throughout the day so when your man (ever notice they never say "husband"; they always say man or lover) comes home, he will automatically be in the mood. Reality: Any lit flame in the house is met by two young voices screaming, "Hot! Hot! Hot!" "Don't touch!" "Fire, fire, call 911!" (Okay, that's probably my fault, but you can't be too careful with 2-year-olds.) Also, I haven't heard of any man who isn't automatically in the mood anyway.
2. Wear sexy lingerie every night to bed. It will make you feel romantic all the time. Reality: Baby puke and/or formula don't wash out of silk very easily. Also, spaghetti straps don't give much coverage to catch the puke. Cotton t-shirts or flannel have a much better saturation ratio, saving yourself a shower at 3:00 a.m.
3. Get up an hour earlier than your man, take a shower, fix your hair, put on your makeup. and then sneak back in bed for some morning romance. Reality: After getting the kids to bed the night before, you stayed up to 1:00 a.m. doing dishes, folding three loads of laundry, finishing a school project (or, in my case, the report I brought home from work) and sewing on the missing buttons on each school uniform, before waking at 3 a.m. for a sick child. Get real.
4. Make a romantic candle-lit dinner for two with oysters and chateaubriand, followed by crème brulée. Reality: If it doesn't have a noodle or a hot dog, it's not getting eaten, except, of course, if it's French fries. As far as candle-lit, see #1 above.
5. Be spontaneous! Hop in the car for a romantic drive in the country, and impulsively stay overnight at a bed and breakfast. Reality: Any car ride, whether across the street or across the state, involves diaper bags, toys for the car ride, snack packs, water bottles, toys for when we get there, an extra set of clothing just in case, etc., etc. I won't even go into an overnight stay . . . anywhere.
After reading these things, I decided to compile my own list of "romantic ideas" to go with my "post-children" lifestyle. So, with that in mind, here is my list:
1. Keep a sense of humor. Nothing is funnier than two grown adults trying to have an intimate moment when a small voice comes over the monitor, singing out, "Mom, I have to poop! I'm a big girl now!"
2. Schedule, schedule, schedule and then blow it off sometimes. Whether you work outside the home or are a stay-at-home mom, as a parent of multiples, a schedule can be your best friend. However, when push comes to shove, the person closest to you or the activities you enjoy the most get put off so you can complete your "responsibilities" (i.e., work, laundry, dishes, etc). Leave the clothes at the dry cleaners an extra day, or eat on paper plates one night so there are no dishes to do-whatever it might take so that once the kids go to bed, you can spend some alone time with your mate and not just sleeping. Notice I didn't say that once the kids go to bed, you will have nothing to do. There is always something to do; just forget about it for one night.
3. Be realistic. If you and your husband both have to be up at 5:30 in the morning the next day, trying for intimacy at midnight just isn't going to fly. Okay, it might for the man, but for most of us women, in the back of our minds we're screaming, "I have to be up at 5:30 in the morning!" After the kids go to bed, try splitting up the chores to be done before bedtime and race each other to see who can get their list done first (hopefully before 9 p.m.). Think of it as a kind of domestic foreplay.
Finally, realize that your life will never go back to the way it was before children came into it. That doesn't mean that romance has ended; it has just changed. Some of the most romantic things my husband has ever given me weren't "things" at all. When he starts to pick up toys after the girls go to bed without any prompting from me; when we get home from work and he tells me that he has dinner already figured out and is going to cook it; or when he gets up with the girls on Saturday morning and tells me to "catch a few extra winks," it makes me want to do things to him that, if discussed here, would require this story to be delivered in a plain brown wrapper. For me, I think I like this "post-children" romance better because it isn't based on illusion, but on a true, deep love and commitment. I'll take that over see-through panties any day.